Tuesday 28 August 2012

Amuse-Bouche

Bite-sized doses of customer silliness.


Starring: Young Man on table of ten
Scene: I am bringing him the dish he has selected from the set menu.

Me:  “Your steak and Guinness pie.”
Young Man: “No, I ordered the steak.”
Me: “…and Guinness pie?”
Young Man: “…no.” *picks up menu, scans it, realises he has indeed ordered this*

I know how exciting the word “steak” can be, but all you have to do is finish reading the sentence.


Starring: Table 4, a group of six young friends
Scene: Three guests have arrived. I offer them drinks.

Me: *wielding wine list* “Would you like anything to drink while you’re waiting?”
Young Man:  “Yes! Can I have… something?”
Me: “Yes?”
Young Man: “…”
Me: “…”
Young Man: “…”

Luckily I find awkward silences funny.


Starring: Table 101, Wannabe Foodie Couple
Scene: The owner is clearing away an almost-empty cheese platter.

Owner: “All done here? And how was it?”
Wannabe Foodie Lady: “Oh, everything was great except for this cheddar. It just wasn’t complex enough.”

Maybe if it wrote you some poetry?


Starring: A group of four young friends, possibly fellow hospitality workers
Scene: I am serving the next bottle of wine.

Me: *bottle of red poised over new wine glass* “Would you like to move onto the pinot, sir?”
Snide Guy: *haughty glance over shoulder* “I was after a fresh glass, actually.”
Host Guy: “That is a fresh glass. She just put it there.”
Snide Guy: *silence*

Too bad we don’t have observation skills on the menu.


Starring: Young Couple
Scene: Young Couple are perusing the dessert menu

Young Man: “I just want a chocolate mousse. Do you have chocolate mousse?”
Waitress: “No I’m sorry; we do have other chocolate options.”
Young Man: “UGH! Why don’t people just do a plain chocolate mousse anymore?”

I’ll ask at the next meeting.

4 comments:

  1. "Young Man: “I just want a chocolate mousse. Do you have chocolate mousse?”
    Waitress: “No I’m sorry; we do have other chocolate options.”
    Young Man: “UGH! Why don’t people just do a plain chocolate mousse anymore?”"

    WHY CAN'T I CHANGE THE MENU AND GET THINGS THAT AREN'T ON IT????????

    When I very briefly waited tables at an Italian restaurant notorious for being SHIT through and through apart from certain items on the menu, my "favourite" request (the usual being a made-up pizza) was chicken teriyaki.

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  2. I hope the guy who ordered the "steak! (and Guinness pie)" didn't enjoy it and had to awkwardly pretend to for the sake of his pride.

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    Replies
    1. Unlikely, unfortunately - that pie happens to be awesome.

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  3. As an aside to the Steak and Guinness Pie story, I once had a guy who was quite happy to order Steak Tartare for his main, despite me explicitly explaining to him (on asking) that it was essentially raw meat topped with a raw egg yolk. His words just after I presented him with his dish were (and I quote): "Can you tell your Cook to put this in the oven for ten minutes, it's not done yet."

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