Perhaps you’ve recognised some of the behaviour or incidents detailed here at Whine Lovers and have indignantly assumed this entire blog is a personal attack on you. Firstly, have you ever considered getting over yourself? If not, here are some responses you might like to read before you start composing some witless email in all-caps.
What's a Whine Lover?
Do you realise customers are paying money for a service?What's a Whine Lover?
Noun: a shitty customer, esp. in a Melbourne restaurant, bar or cafe.
A great many people in service industries have completed or are completing higher education, and hence know the meanings of many common words, including “customer”. You are not exempt from criticism because you are paying for a service, particularly if you conduct yourself like a ridiculous idiotic child with no concept of basic human interaction. If you think otherwise, I suggest visiting your local GP and getting your sense of entitlement checked out.
Why don’t you just get another job?
Because where else would I get such golden material?
Contents of this blog notwithstanding, I like my job. Unlike people with rich mummies and daddies and stable upper-middle-class home environments, I need my job. And just so we’re clear, I am pretty fucking good at my job. The fact that hospitality provides me with a unique insight into the absurdity that is human behaviour which I then share with the internet, does not mean I need a different job. It means I have a sense of humour as well as perspective.
This is my space, designed for the purpose of sharing insights and observations about customer idiosyncrasies while living out my life. And I’ll live my life as I see fit.
What is your policy with naming people or establishments?
I do not name names. Although some customers might deserve a public naming-and-shaming, that is not in the spirit of this blog nor is it in accordance with laws regarding defamation and harassment. Despite an overabundance of name-calling, I strive to critique behaviour rather than vilify individuals.
Customer names are made up. Establishments are described vaguely and without locations given. The keen-eyed reader might pick up a clue here and there.
Can you explain your customer scoring system?
With pleasure. For a total score out of 25, customers are graded on:
1. Presentation (score out of 5). This does not mean “how attractive” or “how dressed up” the customer is. It assesses attention to personal appearance and the effect on others in the establishment. I do not condone denigrating people on dress and appearance. It’s a nod to the fact that how you present yourself as a guest is a good indicator of character.
2. Intelligence (score out of 5). Are they, at the very least, intellectually CAPABLE of better behaviour?
3. Behaviour (score out of 5). Social skills, manners, consideration, and character are all assessed.
4. Value (score out of 5). Yes, customers are “paying for a service”. And just like them, I assess the value for money. Will they return or are they drive-by arseholes? Did spending $34 on a bottle of wine justify the wages wasted by them overstaying by three hours? Was it worth being sexually harassed for a $20 tip? (No.)
5. Experience (score out of 5). Were they pleasant enough, or did I want to set the entire Melbourne CBD on fire afterwards?
0-5 complete waste of a human organs 6-10 a distinct displeasure 11-12 what a turdburger 13-14 a few mildly tolerable hiccups 15-16 customer could accomplish something with more manners 17-18 staff could handle as a regular 19-20 a pleasure 21-25 the ideal customer
This blog is rude and appalling!
Fuck off.
Brilliant. Keep it up! :))
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