Sunday, 2 June 2013

Stuff Customers Like (besides being jackasses)

Oh you mythical, mysterious creatures, you customers, you! Throughout my studies of your kind, I have learned that there are certain things customers simply love doing! And being a jackass is usually right up there. Here are some other tidbits I have picked up as I delve into the world of the customer to bring you: Stuff Customers Like.


Carrying on like a fucknugget when a food or drink item is unavailable

Even children eventually come to terms with the fact they can’t get their own way. Granted, that’s because their little lungs can’t hold as much air as adult lungs, so they stop screaming sooner. Adults, those wily creatures, can pace their tantrums superbly and will continue whining over a longer period. They are also much harder to throw out a window.

If we don’t have something you wanted, that is a pity and we apologise. It is also the end of discussion. You can order something else, or you can leave. But for fuck’s sake, do not whinge, “But I can make those at home!” or “But I came here especially for it!” or “But we’re in [stereotyped cultural district where a particular food or beverage product native to said culture should be plentiful]!” Repeated whining will not make magic pixies drop out of the sky and zap up your coveted item, nor will not make the staff handling your food and drinks take kindly to you.


Overly Defensive Interrupting

Lady Customer: “Can you tell us what dishes you’ve just brought?”
Me: “Certainly. Now these are your oysters with chilli chutney-”
Lady Customer: “YES WELL WE CAN SEE THAT.”
Me: “-and this is the chicken Tikka Masala…”
Gentleman Customer: “Can you tell me what wagyu bresaola is?”
Me: “Certainly. It is thinly sliced Japanese beef-”
Gentleman: “I KNOW WHAT WAGYU IS.”
Me: “-that has been salted and air-dried.”
Good lord, people, why are you so defensive? Nobody is threatening you or insulting your intelligence by answering your own fucking question. Let us finish our sentences you insecure imbeciles.


Trying to dodge the staff greeting them

The person in uniform who is smiling and welcoming you into their establishment is not a Pacman ghost you have to do a steep turn to avoid lest they eat you. They are here to help, and possess lots of useful information! Such as whether anyone is in the place (to save you wandering around an empty restaurant like a loser), where your reserved table might be located, where the bathrooms are, or whether the establishment is even open. Keeping your eyes fixed to the ground and steering around them in a purposeful I-know-what-I’m-doing fashion serves only to provide back of house comedic material as you become hopelessly lost and slink back to ask for assistance. All you have to do is make eye contact –at least that way you will identify an enraged knife-wielding ex-manager before it’s too late.


Pausing awkwardly while waiting for the waiter to leave earshot

That’s just uncomfortable for everybody. At least hum The Girl from Ipanema or something.


Asking, “Can you make sure our meals are coming?”

What the hell does this type think goes on in a restaurant kitchen, I wonder? Is it something like this?

Chefs: *standing around empty kitchen whistling*
Waitress: “Hey guys, you know how I gave you an order for table 10 a little while ago?”
Chefs: “Yeah?”
Waitress: “They want to know if it’s coming.”
Chefs: “Wait, when people order food, we have to prepare it?”
Waitress: “Yes! And I have to bring it to them!”
Chefs: “Now it all makes sense!”
Waitress: “I myself have been confused about this procedure for some time! Thank God this particular customer brought it to my attention!”
Chefs: “True fact!”
*meals magically appear in a puff of fairy dust*
Everyone: “Thank you, customer!”
*Melbourne spontaneously throws a parade in customer’s honour*

Don’t worry, the Fool Critic is here to pop that little bubble, you strange deluded person. This is closer to reality:


Customer: *is order seven*
Kitchen: *cooks order one*
Kitchen: *cooks order two*
Kitchen: *cooks order three*
Customer: “Excuse me, waitress! Can you just make sure our meals are coming?”
Waitress: “Uh, yeah. Sure.”
Kitchen: *cooks order four*
Kitchen: *cooks order five*
Customer: “WHY ISN’T IT HERE YET?!”

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