A foot also goes a long way (up your arse)

“A smile goes a long way,” sighs the Urbantool foodie as they whine about their waiter looking sour.

I see this boring little adage pop up in a lot of restaurant reviews, and I wanted to nip that shit right in the bud.

Just take one and get out of my face.

“A smile goes a long way!”

You poor, naïve little dear. Shut the fuck up and go fuck yourself in the face with a fork.

Let’s see how much you feel like smiling after working eight doubles straight for crappy pay, had a bunch of butt-ugly college boys grab at your arse, had to nod sympathetically as a customer screamed about their well-done steak being “too tough”, had to nod sympathetically as the chef screamed at you for daring to bring a customer complaint to their attention, put on your best fake laugh at every “Were you catching the fish?” joke, had to act delighted by every snotty conceived-out-of-wedlock brat that ran between your legs as you were  carrying four plates, had some mutton-dressed-as-80s-lamb blonde click her fingers at you from across the bar, had to pretend you didn’t hear Hoping-to-Get-Lucky guy make fun of you to his giggly companion, had to stand straight-faced as a grown-arse man acted (and smelt) like a soiled toddler, stayed back past midnight to wait for a table that tipped you $4, and all the while knowing that your constant yes sirs and smiles and running around are never going to be enough for the filthy animals guzzling down your food and drinks while treating you like crap.

Would you feel like fucking smiling?

Sure, this is hospitality. This is also a JOB, and by the end of their shifts, like many human beings, some hospo workers have simply had enough of their job. Sometimes, after hours and hours of smiling, we’ve simply had the smile wiped off our face by more rude bastards than Satan himself could have dreamed up. Don’t waltz into someone else’s workplace when they’re having a bad day and be outraged that they didn’t always smile. Do you?

How would you like it if, at the end of a horrible day at work, some nobody tsked at you and said, “A smile goes a long way! LOL!” You fuckstick. If you’re smiling at every shitty person during your shitty 9-5 job every shitty minute of your shitty day, then I think we’ve found the person responsible for this.

PS: Go halves and I won’t blow the whistle on you.