Friday, 28 December 2012

Urbantools: The "Percolators!!!" Edition

"Yeah, this'll show 'em."
Well hello there, hospo brothers and sisters! In between Christmas feasts, cricket, and last-minute plans for New Year’s Eve, some of you may be on a well-earned break. Although, according to the TAC and Victoria Police, the party's over, so get back in your box and start keeping up with the hottest news in the Melbourne hospitality industry. The way to do this is probably through some sort of reputable hospitality-focused website where the voice of the layman is well and truly heard. A site like…

Urbanspoon! That’s right, it’s time for edition #2 of Urbantools, featuring morons "reviewing" such heavy hitters as Taxi Dining Room, Melbourne Supper Club, and more!

So apparently Magic City narrowly missed a lawsuit:

“They tried to put the coeliac in hospital with a beef wellington. Is the chef a complete idiot we asked as the waitress wanted to curl up and die.”
No but perhaps you are the Fool Critic suggested if you order a dish renowned for being coated in pastry for your coeliac guest especially if he or she was dim-witted enough to eat it and end up in hospital in addition why does nobody appreciate punctuation she wondered as she wanted to curl up and die.

Melbourne Supper Club seems to have an ingenious battle plan. Carso ponders:

“do they want customers? attending in saturday night with 14 middle aged men, we were told that groups of 12 were not allowed! Given that there was no one there, we can olny presume that they do not want customers!”
Well Carso, with your fellow Urbantools attacking the female staff members, pardon me, “chick-staff at the top of the stairs with the attitude” with helpful alternative career suggestions, can you really blame them?

Poor old Jan seems to have mixed up “user reviews for Taxi Dining Room” with “short story competition” and “incorrect use of the ellipsis festival”:

“On a cold and windy night.... I grew up in Melbourne, and i do know about "Tone".....Anyway, recently i visited Melbourne from interstate with two grandsons aged 15 and 16 as a reward for cum laude exam results....Monday last we were out and about all day, museums, shopping, lane exploration, movies, and found ourselves caught in an unexpected storm (with winds up to 100 mph) as we were walking down Flinders Street around ran to Fed. Square and couldn't find anything open.....i had been to Taxi for lunch before so we went in…”
One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time…

A few whine-loving Urbantools are complaining that the $0.80-$2.00 pintxos are “average” at Naked for Satan. But Jackie’s rant literally takes the cake:

“A friend of mine arranged for a birthday party for nearly 40 people and a week before it, she went to confirm and they told her she cannot have any birthday cake. She couldn't bring one and they would not cater for one. What sort of a birthday party is that. Aside from that how unprofessional of them not even to advise of such a criteria.” (Except they just did. - Ed.) “Just in case you didn't know people, birthday = birthday cake - HELLO. I am suggesting this venue really needs to take a good look at itself […] in the hospitality industry it is do or die. So I strongly suggest you OPEN YOUR EYES 'Blind for Satin'”
O-kay. Just in case you didn’t know, Jackie, satin = gorgeous silky material, and Satan = Prince of Darkness – HELLO.

StuFox seethes at Proud Mary:

“Typical percolators!!! Can't communicate that the wait will be more like an hour - rather than the 25 mins originally said!!! Furthermore when you go and check how much longer the wait would be, don't look up through your original thick black rimmed "I'm an artist" glasses and say: "I wouldn't wait more than 10 mins for a table at a cafe!!!" I hope your Proud Mary I won't be coming back!!!”
Percolators!!!  That word does not mean what you think it means!!!

Milkwood hasn’t impressed dave on his daily jaunts:

“Its a little unconventional to write a review on a place that I have never visited, however I walk past this place almost every day and I hate it. The staff are all hipsters and so are the customers, everyone is talking loud with their panAmerican accents, all with atypical haircuts and specticles that are not prescription. The wait staff look pouty and irritating and everyone and everything is a little to trendy, very faux hipster. Great if you are a hipster.”
Wow, you don’t even have to GO to the places you’re reviewing anymore! It seems like dave’s problem with hipsters and accents is more pathological than justified, as the rest of his reviews contain much the same themes. Milkwood staff: beware a crazy-eyed psycho who stalks your place of work and foams at the mouth whenever something is not pronounced in a broad ‘strayan accent. Repel him with 100% organic garlic, a cross made of skinny jeans, or a prayer uttered to the tune of Indie-Pop.

As always, ellipses in square brackets [...] indicate text removed. Everything else within a direct quote is unedited.


  1. "attending in saturday night with 14 middle aged men, we were told that groups of 12 were not allowed!" Well there's your problem, fuckhead!

  2. "Very faux hipster. Great if you are a hipster." I'm getting mixed messages. Was it faux hipster or real hipster? Hipsters hate faux hipsters, even more than dave hates both. Faux hipster sort of sounds like a hipster term, but perhaps not quite enough - it may be in fact faux hipster. My conclusion? Dave is a faux hipster who always wanted to hang out with the hipsters, but they could obviously see the "faux" a mile off so they shunned him. He pitifully retaliated by calling THEM faux hipsters, but he still has to walk past the place everyday to be at his not-quite-hipster-enough cafe to listen to his slightly alternative music and drink his only 96% organic latte - with real milk for goodness sake, not even quinoa that tastes like soy. Poor Dave.

  3. "Chick staff?" "percolators?" A review from a non-customer? I love the fact that people use sites like Urbanspoon and Yelp as important references, when they are so cluttered by spiteful reviewers with poor English skills

  4. Incorrect use of the ellipsis festival, BAHAHAHAHA!! And I don't get the "Tone" thing. Do you have to live in Melbourne to know about "Tone" (capital T!)? How are these things connected, and WHY are you banging on about grandchildren and weather and movies? WTF?

  5. Yes, Magic City tried to put "the coeliac" in hospital. It was all part of their plan.

    "attending in saturday night with 14 middle aged men, we were told that groups of 12 were not allowed!"

    They only said groups of TWELVE weren't allowed! They didn't say anything about larger groups!

  6. @Percolator: Dodecaphobia perhaps?