Friday, 11 January 2013

Amuse-Bouche: "Is that red?"

Tasty bite-sized doses of customer stupidity.

Starring: Function guests with a set menu
Scene: Gentleman has selected the steak option

Me: “Your sirloin, sir.”
Gentleman: “Oh no, um, I ordered the um, the meat.”
Me: “…your meat, sir.”
Gentleman: “Thanks!”

Starring: Young couple in late twenties
Scene: The couple are hovering at the bar, the bartender attends to them as per social norm.

Bartender:  “Hello! What would you like?”
Lady: “I would like to be able to sit down first.”
Bartender: *backs away*

Back the fuck down, random. You’re a chick in a pub, not Anna Wintour.

Starring: A gentleman paying the bill while guest is in bathroom
Scene: I have led him to the POS to complete the transaction

Me: “I’m sorry sir, we are no longer listed in the Entertainment Book and do not accept Entertainment Cards.”
Gentleman: “Oh! But… this is last year’s Entertainment Card. And you were listed last year.”
Me: “I’m sorry, we were not listed last year, either. Even if we were, your card is still expired.”
Gentleman: “Oh. So, no discount?”
Me: “I’m afraid not.”
Gentleman: “But… maybe you ARE listed?”
Me: “No, we aren’t.”
Gentleman: “But if you were, how much would the discount be?”
Me: “We aren’t.”
Gentleman: “I understand, but what if you ARE?”
Me: “We aren’t.”
Gentleman: “But supposing you ARE?”
Me: “We aren’t.”

This went on for some time.

Starring: A function of 10 people
Scene: I am offering new arrivals a glass of wine

Me: “Would you like a glass of red?”
Lady: “Hmm, what is it?”
Me: “A 2010 pinot noir, selected by your host.”
Lady: “Is that red?”

Lady, if you ever want to see a picture of yourself, just look up the word “idiot” on Wikipedia.

Starring: Two ladies perusing menu
Scene: After demanding to know why we serve beef “eyes” (perhaps a trans-Atlantic interpretation of eye fillet), American Lady has asked me to explain sirloin

Me: “I believe it’s from what you know as short-loin, it comes from the upper-rear of the animal-”
American: *appalled* “You don’t have to be QUITE so graphic.”

Ok. Sirloin is the one that looks like a rectangle and is made out of sunshine and rainbows and definitely didn’t involve bucket-loads of blood spilling from a bovine getting its head sawed off. Moooo.

1 comment:

  1. Why would you ask about cuts of meat if you didn't want to know anything about cuts of meat?

    "Sirloin is what you may come across in the supermarket in the 'beef' section, labelled, 'sirloin'."