Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Waitressplaining: Knifey-Spoony

A steak knife, in its native habitat. Herd members hover nearby.

This is a steak knife.

Featuring serrated blades, pointed tips, keen sharpness and distinctive handles, steak knives are a much beloved member of the dinner setting family. You may remember these items from steak knife activist Tim Shaw's Demtel informercials circa 1993, or from your latest domestic dispute. 

But wait, there's more! Here are some useful facts about steak knives.

Things a steak knife is not for:
  • Buttering your bread
  • Your entrée (even if it has the word "steak" in it, in the case of steak tartare)
  • Passing salad to your companion
  • Spearing olives
  • Gesturing with
  • Oysters (how did you even do that?)
  • Spreading dips (or dishes with dip-like consistency) on toast
  • Stirring your latte
  • Dislodging ear wax

Things a steak knife is for:
  • Steak

If you come across a steak knife in the wild (or order a steak) and can't remember all the items on list 1, just try to remember list 2. Because not using a steak knife for what it is meant is like using a diamond ring to pick all the crusty stuff out from under your big toenail. You are demeaning that little knife. You are holding it back. You are standing in the way of that steak knife living up to its full potential of carving effortlessly through beef. You are a destroyer of dreams.  You bastard. 

Remember, if ever you are in doubt about what cutlery to use in a restaurant, take that sterling advice from Titanic: "Start from the outside, and work your way in."

Or look it up on your smartphone, I mean, Jesus. 

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