Monday, 29 April 2013

The Hospo Bucket List

So I'm working on a list of all the things I'd want to do during my last shift as a waitress. For a while all I could come up with was "commit assault", but after some soul-searching, I've thought of a few more satisfying ways with which one could kiss goodbye to the hospitality industry.

  • Turn up shitfaced.
  • Wear a giant banana costume. With apron.
  • Carry this hamster around while taking orders.
  • Respond to all complaints with, "Shit happens, you boner."
  • Before service begins, use all the empty boxes from food deliveries to turn the restaurant into a fort.
  • Develop a rather sudden case of Tourette's.
  • Release a swarm of bees into the dining room.
  • Suddenly scream, "You're on your own!" and jump through a glass window.
  • Give forks - and ONLY forks - to customers who order soup.
  • Greet each customer with a loud, "Whoa..." and spray them with deodorant.
  • Call last drinks via a nudie run.
  • Bring in a megaphone and announce, "Attention cockshits: fuck you all."
  • Serve meals by tipping the contents of the plate directly onto the table and walking off. Same goes for drinks.
  • Play death metal throughout service.
  • Write "I'm going to eat your flesh" on all the restroom walls.
  • Glue barbed wire underneath the tables as a little surprise for every shit that sticks their gum there.
  • Offer to take customers' coats, then drop them in the deep fryer.
  • Instead of keying in food orders, carefully draw a picture of the meal your customer has ordered and serve the picture to them on a plate.
  • Keep asking customers to hold on while you take a call; use your hand as a phone. Have plenty of imaginary arguments with the caller.
  • Spend the entire shift screaming the lyrics to Summer of '69.
  • Put creepy dolls of assorted shapes and sizes on every chair in the restaurant except for one table. Turn that table over as normal.
  • Set off a flare.
  • Ring up rival bikie gangs and announce a showdown at your workplace. Make sure to emphasise that they would be little bitches if they did not show.
  • Enlist in the help of a punk rock marching band:

  • Blast a vuvuzela at customers that complain about any of the above.
  • ...and commit assault.

What are some things you would do before leaving your hospitality job?