Friday, 7 September 2012


Starring: Table 8, two well-to-do couples in their late thirties
Scene: I am called over to investigate a suspicious Cosmopolitan.

Nice Lady: “Excuse me! These two Cosmos taste a little different from one another.”
Me: *insert variation of What-seems-to-be-the-problem?*
Weird Lady: “It doesn’t taste like there’s any alcohol in it.”
Me: “All right, I’ll replace it with a stronger one.”
Weird Lady: “It tastes totally different to hers!”
Me: “Ok. Give me a moment and-”
Nice Lady: “Mine is a little stronger. I’ve never had one before but I like it!”
Weird Lady: “Well mine is too fruity.”
Me: “Perhaps too much cranberry, or Cointreau-”
Weird Lady: “No it tastes like it has NO alcohol!”
Me: “Ah. I will get you a stronger one-”
Weird Lady: “Hers is almost more… dry.”
Her Husband: “They do taste different.”

This shit should have ended TEN SENTENCES AGO.

Starring: Table 11, one regular customer, one lady and an older gentlemen couple.
Scene: During a busy night, this table has been left with menus for around twenty minutes; two waiters grow concerned and each checks if they’re ready to order.

Gentleman #1: *visibly put out* “They won’t stop checking us!”
Gentleman #2: *sarcastic* “We’re in demand!”
Regular Customer: *trying to make light* “Yeah, these people really want to feed us!”
Lady: “I was ready to order.”

We’re not checking on you because of your charm and vivacity. We fucking work here.

Starring: Table 32, one middle-aged woman and one young woman
Scene: I am bringing a dessert dish

Me: “Your chocolate fondant.”
Middle-Aged: “That’s hers.” 
Me: “Ok, I brought two spoons just in case.”
Middle-Aged: *makes point of pushing her spoon towards Young Woman* “Well we don’t NEED two spoons!”

And you don’t need all your teeth, Outburst McGee.

Starring: Concerned customer outside of closed restaurant
Scene: Customer is peering in window, and knocks frantically as soon as a staff member is sighted

Bartender: *comes all the way out, unlocks door* "Yes?"
Customer: “Are you open?”
Bartender: “No.”

This happens way too often.

Starring: Irate Woman
Scene: Irate Woman is lurking outside the closed bar of a youth hostel

Irate Woman: “Excuse me, is your bar open?”
Passing Housekeeper: *blinks, looks to the bar which has lights off, blinds drawn, shutters closed, doors locked and closed sign flipped, and wonders if Irate Woman is making a joke*
Irate Woman: “WELL IS IT OPEN OR NOT?!”
Passing Housekeeper: “… no.”
Irate Woman: *storms off*

Yes, just what an aggressive moron needs: alcohol.

1 comment:

  1. Surely these silly rules about places having opening hours don't apply to me!