“One beef curry, one chicken salad and one falafel burger,” I announce merrily, nursing three plates as is often the case.
“We also had chips and calamari rings?” the customer will add hopefully, always ending this unusual version of “thank you” with a question mark.
How many arms do you think people have, fool? I am of course assuming you can count to two. Let us put the often hot and/or heavy plates we have down before you start rattling off what hasn’t arrived yet.
Creating obstacle courses
Tired of food and beverages being served to you without incident? Put out by the fact that most waiters, bartenders or runners go through entire shifts without suffering grievous bodily harm? Then create an obstacle course for them! Obstacle courses can be as simple as a coat thrown over the floor, a ginormous handbag kicked beside the table, arrays of shopping bags arranged carefully in the aisle of the restaurant, or even your own children rolling around on the carpet. A clever and considerate way to jazz up your dining experience!
Gesturing wildly whenever service staff happen to be nearby with a tray
Don’t like wearing a round of Coronas? Then have some self-awareness and watch the spaces you wave your limbs around.
Holding random service staff personally responsible for the entire establishment’s spelling and grammatical errors
Generally speaking, waiters and bartenders do not personally design, edit and print each and every single menu/chalkboard/advertisement for the places they work casual shifts for. So if you feel absolutely compelled to say something like, “Oh, is this the DINNING menu? Is that actually a CALM sauce? Haw, haw, haw!” in the middle of service… you’re being neither cute nor useful. And if you’re not going to be one of those things you might as well just leave.
Using a hand to shield their wine glass
A simple, “No, thank you” or a headshake also works. Or, you could look up and realise that I’m actually holding a jug of water, you paranoid freak.