Why you should always stick to your prescribed medication unless otherwise directed by a doctor.
Starring: Gentleman customer, innocent waitress A., head barman, and mysterious guest
Scene: Gentleman customer left a coat behind the night before, and has returned today to collect it. A. searches the cloakroom to no avail.
A: I’m sorry, it doesn’t seem to be here. It may have been misplaced. But if I take down your name and number, I could double-check with the staff member who hung your coat and get back to you.
CUT TO: Bar, 10 minutes later. Gentleman has exited, but mysterious guest has entered!
Mrs Coat Avenger: SO YOU JUST TAKE PEOPLE’S COATS AND THEY MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEAR, DO THEY?!
A. pauses mid-order. Customer heads turn. At the bar stands the gentleman’s fuming wife: Mrs Coat Avenger. The shit hath hiteth the fan.
Not wanting to forget that good old-fashioned racism, Mrs Coat Avenger pauses long enough to give the Asian barman a contemptuous up-down, before demanding, “WHERE IS YOUR COAT CUPBOARD? WHERE IS IT?!”
Barman directs her. By now patrons are craning their necks to watch as she storms past them and into the alcove signposted Staff Only, ranting, “MY HUSBAND’S COAT IS VERY EXPENSIVE AND I FIND IT VERRRRY INTERESTING THAT IT HAS CONVENIENTLY DISAPPEARED!”
Yes, because according to this month’s Cosmo, your 150kg husband’s sweaty old coat is this season’s must-have. It’ll go perfectly with my pink Mollini stilettos! So you see, when your waiter hung the coat that fateful night it was all part of an elaborate plot to STEAL IT FOR MY SIZE SIX SELF. How verrrry devious I am!
Mrs Coat Avenger ransacks the cupboard in a rage. A. starts to back away. The barman edges towards a muddler in case he needs to physically defend himself. Customers quietly pull their valuables closer.
“IT’S NOT HERE!” Mrs Coat Avenger – also known as Captain Obvious – finally shrieks, slamming the doors shut with a massive bang. “THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!”
I rather imagine Table 14 was thinking the same thing about their dinner being ruined by a screaming maniac.
Mrs Coat Avenger turns on her heel and leaves, without so much as a “THIS ISN’T OVER!” and a fist-shake. Villains just have no manners these days.
Later that evening, the coat is found. On account of it (1) being lost property, and (2) being pain-in-the-arse gigantic and in everyone’s way, it had been folded and moved. Barman sighs and dials the number left behind. Of course, Mrs Coat Avenger answers.
“WELL, WELL, WELL, ISN’T THAT CONVENIENT. I GO IN THERE AND MAKE A BIG FUSS, AND SUDDENLY THE COAT TURNS UP.”
“There’s nothing convenient about having to deal with a deranged hag,” is what he should have said. Instead, in an attempt for at least one person in this exchange to have some class, he reoffered his apologies and extended an invitation to pick up the coat any time.
And so the sheepish husband was soon reunited with the Very Expensive Coat. It’s no wonder he has a compulsive overeating problem. How does Mrs Coat Avenger go about her everyday life with such farcical reactions to everything? Is this the kind of person you want:
At the supermarket?
Self Checkout Machine: Unexpected item in bagging area.
Mrs Coat Avenger: WHAT??!! * smashes computer screen with can of Whiskas*
At the movies?
Teenage Boy: Excuse me, I think you are in my seat.
Mrs Coat Avenger: HOW CONVENIENT! *king-hits kid, popcorn flies everywhere*
Waiting next to you at the tram stop?
Mrs Coat Avenger: SIX MINUTES? SIX MINUTES?! WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG??!! *throws Molotov cocktail at information screen*
Around the community in general?
Young Mother: Shh, Ella, don’t cry.
Mrs Coat Avenger: SHUT THAT BABY UP OR I WILL! *pulls out handgun*
And you people were all worried about asylum seekers.
Presentation: 2/5. Two points for that oh-so-fancy taste in Burberry. Minus three points for the foaming at the mouth.
Intelligence: 1/5. A little known fact is that Mrs Coat Avenger’s application to join the police force as a youth was rejected due to her being a flaming dumbshit. She spiralled into a life of insanity.
Behaviour: 0/5. What the actual fuck is wrong with you?
Value: 1/5. One point strictly for entertainment value only.
Experience: 1/5. I was much happier before I knew people like her existed.
Total Score: 5 cloakroom tickets out of 25. You need immediate professional help, lady, and possibly some sort of vaccine.
0-5 complete waste of human organs 6-10 a distinct displeasure 11-12 what a turdburger 13-14 customer could accomplish something with more manners 15-16 a few mildly tolerable hiccups 17-18 staff could handle as a regular 19-20 a pleasure 21-25 the ideal customer